Comrades,
Must say I was rather disappointed in the 2nd World Tour by DJ Trump! compared to the 1st World tour.
No huge cheering crowds for the POTUS this time, hardly even bothered for autographs - [something must be going terribly wrong when he's no longer No.1! on the hit parade] - and somehow even managed to duck some photo opportunities, putting his daughter Ivanka in the hot seat instead, when she by protocol should have been on Mr Merkel's Magical Mystery Tour for G20 spouses and children.
First stop was a brand spanking new whizz-bang Climate Change Centre that the Germans reckon is world class.
Maybe she's not interested in that?
Jolly afternoon tea parties, perhaps?
Or maybe selling her line of shoes into the EU is of more importance?
Of course, the Trumpotus started the tour in Poland, where they have a long history of loving US Presidents to bits [they loved Jimmy Carter the best, and even liked Gerald Ford], but The Donald couldn't attract a full house to his concert to explain to the Poles that Civilization was in danger of being ruined, by whom, he did not know, except that they must be very bad hombres and they certainly wouldn't be Poles, oh no siree.
The Donald says they're the best people in the world.
I don't know what the Polish phrase is for the English expression "big whoop".
I found it a little strange that hearing that everyone's been talkin' about Korea, that there was barely a word mentioned about Fatboy Kim, who insists on not playing nice by setting off a bloody big rocket up and down and into the Sea of Japan [only problem is that The Bomb in N.Korea is still way too big and and way too heavy to be carried as a warhead on an ICBM. The might have The Bomb, but they are yet to work out the trick of miniaturisation. Could take them years.]
I think all that DJ Trump! said about it was that he expected the Japanese to be somewhat upset about it.
China, sensibly, ducked their heads, and took a very low profile.
Hardly heard a word out of Xi Jinping.
But the Leader of the Free World did make a bee line straight for the Mexican president when he arrived in the fair city of Hamburg, telling him that Mexico would "absolutely" [read "very definitely"] be paying for The Wall, to which Señor Enrique Peña Nieto replied "well, you can go and shove that idea clean up your arse, Big Boy, and, by the way, you need to lose weight. Too many American hamburgers. Want a taco bowl instead?"
No one really knows if My Mate Vlad has met DJ Trump! before.
The Donald can't seem to remember whether Ol' Putes turned up at a Miss Universe contest in Russia or not - he thinks he did and "it was great" - but the sneaky rusky aint saying.
But it appears that the Leader of the Great & Glorious Russian Empire had seen this bloke before, by the way he looked at the POTUS and went straight for the handshake with his hand on top to avoid it being crushed by a meat mallet.
Still, after a free and frank exchange of views, the only thing they could agree on was to better define the Rules of Engagement in Syria, to prevent each other's warplanes being shot out of the sky if they intruded on each other's air space, which had already been worked out by the diplomats behind closed doors in the first place.
Brilliant work there, Don.
What about the poor suffering children?
Let's leave that to the United Nations, eh?
But perhaps the hero of the hour was that old Christian Socialist from Luxembourg, Jean-Claude Juncker, who suggested that if the US wanted to impose a tariff on EU steel imports, then the EU would simple retaliate by slapping an equivalent tariff on bourbon, which accounts for about the same in the terms of trade.
Simple.
How'd making bourbon become unaffordable in Europe go down in the Trump heartland as thousands of distillery workers wide are thrown out of their jobs in a desultory fashion without so much as a German sausage and the company losses start to pile up?
Not too well, you'd expect.
Always thought Wild Turkey was too expensive anyway.
"If you want to be petty about it, we can mess with your booze and see how you like it" was a fair translation of what Juncker said.
So, that was the end of that.
I don't think in the end that the whole shooting match conference ever released a joint communique because with DJ Trump! wasting the space he occupies no-one could agree on anything of an any import at all.
It'd all be enough to drive a man to drink, as it's all becoming beyond a joke.
The Pundits are saying that the G20 should now be re-named the G19, on account of America's increasing irrelevancy on the international multilateral stage, with the Free World now ruled by a policy-vacant, stupid-as-shit and as dumb-as-fuck psycho who's a determined, complete and utter, enrvionmental vandal, among many other things.
At age 71, it don't mean a thing to him; he won't be here for 'end of days' as the planet is smothered by our own crapola.
Couldn't give a blue root.
So that'd leave Argentina, Australia, Brazil, Canada, China, France, Germany, India, Indonesia, Italy, Japan, South Korea, Mexico, Russia, Saudi Arabia, South Africa, Turkey, United Kingdom, and the European Union in the diplomatic mix, as the USA casts itself adrift, and vanishes into the vortex of stoopid isolationism; poor, broke, and busted.
Everywhere else?
Boomin' baby.
Just boomin'.
Craves.
PS. It was pleasing to see Hamburg turn on a first class riot for the occasion with protestors throwing rocks at the police who responded with tear gas, rubber bullets and water cannon, against some fairly solid resistance by the demonstrators, while "gangs of masked anarchist yoofs" went about torching expensive German cars and Gov't offices, then looting an IKEA sore, stealing all their flat pack furniture and Allen keys, before setting fire to the joint.
Outstanding work, there.
Only in the Miracle of Democracy.
--
Photos: vetted by the German Foreign Ministry.
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