"I love it when a favourite wins"

Comrades.

Election Special! Read all about it! Election Special! Read all about it!

It was most pleasing to see Our Great & Glorious Leader finally hop into Z-Car No.1 for the short trip from The Lodge to Yarralumla to get his His Excellency the Gumnut-General to prorogue the Parliament, get some flunky to fire off the starting cannon on the rolling manicured lawns, and officially pronounce "tallyho! race on!" for a mercifully short five week campaign. Although, ScoMo was a bit rude for mine, as it took just eight minutes out of his precious day, when he could have paid some courtesy to Gen. Sir Pete Cosgrove by allowing him the chance to offer a polite cup of Vice Regal tea. Protocol people, where are you?

Trust the Minister for Reffo's, the Hon. Mr Penis Head - or just Duddo to his mates - to kick off the campaign in style by mocking the crippled. He accused the unidexter ALP candidate for Dickson - who has some difficulty getting around with her peg-leg despite being a champion out-rigger canoeist - of being too lazy to pull up stumps and move into the electorate proper at short notice. Surely that's on a par with knocking the Zimmer Frame out from underneath some old dude on the street and shouting "Get a haircut! Get a Job! Ya bludger!" at the crumpled heap on the footpath. That was fine words coming from a bloke who was within a whisker of becoming PM in the party room pustch, failing only because of the last minute Anyone But Dutton push. And all that comes on top of the Govts' call the week previous that we all must respect and show more thoughtful consideration for the dignity of the halt and the lame. Not that it matters all that much in the grand scheme of things, given that Duddo is a dead man walking, and will soon exit stage right from the theatre of politics and back to the obscurity from whence he came. The same can be said for Half Term Tony, as the Mad Monk's rantings of late seem to have departed the planet and entirely lost the plot and drifted off somewhere into meaninglessness. The man must be on drugs. Although it is good know it has dawned on the Budgie Smuggler that Little Free Libraries actually exist, after seeing one in his own electorate, when there are approximately 75,000 of them in 88 countries around the world.

Taking a peeky at energy policy - who knew that Uncle Bill has the time it takes to recharge an electric car at his fingertips? That's clever. I had no idea that the next wave of tech will pump all that beautiful coal-fired electricity into your sparkly new Tesla Model S hatchback or Nissan Leaf in about 8-11 minutes. According to the Tories, we might as well all go back to steam driven vehicles, because if you believe ScoMo, the Pinko's are coming after all your money, and your ute, and your SUV, and probably your wife. Never mind the gas-guzzling Rolls Royce or the Ferrari in the garage at home. You'll be able to pick up some high-octane leaded petrol on the black market to keep your motor running when the time comes, don't you worry about that. Climate change be buggered.

Going down a different garden path, the Tories have a long history of preselecting dunderheads as candidates in unwinnable seats, so it came as no surprise that three Liberal wannabes have withdrawn from the race over suspicions that they might be closet dual citizens. Scomo The Fixer has it all in hand though. "We are looking at it, and we've fixed it". To think, these people could be citizens of Chad, Chile or China without even knowing it? That's very low in nous factor when the High Court came down hard on the side of the race card in s.44 of the Constitution, ruling "There shall be no foreign scum in the Parliament."

On the megaphone front...the ALP's current advertising on the telly is straightforward enough, but for greater clarity they should drop the references to tax loopholes, greedy multinationals and thieving banks, and just do "Hello. I'm Bill Shorten. MAKE THE RICH PAY. Vote Labor on May 18. Thank you". No need to add "Solidarity forever!", that'll do in this day and age when most people have the attention span of a gnat. And 10 second ads are alot cheaper than 30's.

Of course, the Pinko's mantra in this battle is SHUT UP BILL...everyone knows a drover's dog could win the forthcoming election, and all Uncle Bill has to do is not open his mouth and put his foot in it or make fundamental blunders, let alone get himself involved in any fatal clusterfucks. Just tow the party line on the stump, Bill. But, he has to be on-guard at all times, as there's some very shady and crafty Masters of the Dark Arts working in the Liberal Party Dirt Unit, and that means lips are sealed. Uncle Bill's made a good choice in former NSW Premier and un-elected Senator Kristina Keneally to be his "Bus Captain" and wingman on the hustings; then he can let Albo and Wongsy off the leash as his attack dogs, while Tanya can deal with policy.

The Opposition Leader can only be helped along his way by ScoMo's idea of campaigning in the Pentecostalist old school style - speak in tongues, frighten small children, wear alot of those baseball caps of the moment, drink a shitload of beer, gobble up pallets of pies, roll up the sleeves on yr cheap shirts, and say hello in Chinese to Korean women while stabbing yr chop sticks, bogan-like, into a dim sim and eschewing the soy sauce before stuffing it in yr cake hole and pronouncing with all the bilateral multiculturalism that you can muster "yum, yum, pig's bum".

And who knows? Our Great & Glorious Leader might even pick up a dose of giaradia or cryptosporidium brushing his teeth in contaminated rural water while campaigning in some god-forsaken outback town in Queensland, and as a result...finds that he's shat himself, violently.

Perhaps the highlight of the skirmishing of Week One was ScoMo being parachuted into the Members Enclosure at Royal Randwick to go faux-delirious with some swells over the millionth win by Winx, while television footage captured Uncle Bill on the Pinko Bus watching the mighty mare salute the judges for the very last time on a mobile telephone screen, and reacting with a little whoop and a small gesture of a solidarity fist, before saying with a smile on his face "(guttural noise) I love it when a favourite wins".

Anyone wanna a selfie with ScoMo? Anyone? Picture: Supplied.