Our Man in Cornwall

 

Mount Recyclemore greets G7 leaders in Carbis Bay, Cornwall, UK.

Missing Australian flag not hanging from the Cornish Arms hotel, Carbis Bay, Cornwall, UK.

 Comrades,

I note that our Great and Glorious Leader, Scott Morrison, is winging his way to the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland as a guest at the annual G7 meeting in the gorgeous seaside resort of Carbis Bay in beautiful Cornwall, in order to keep the world safe for democracy.

It begs the obvious what is the G7, and what does it have to do with the "Five Eyes" or "The Quad" and all that spook stuff, anyway? And how did ScoMo score an invite to what that repository of all wisdom, Wikipedia, describes as "an informal club of wealthy democracies" aka Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, the United Kingdom and the United States? No idea. In any case, it's always a fabulous idea to skip the country in a crisis, abrogating all responsibility and leaving that bothersome clusterfuck of a botched vaccine roll-out to somebody else. Anyone? Any volunteers? And it goes without saying Scotty from the Tourism Board has form in this area - Hawai'i anyone? They say it's nice at this time of year.

ScoMo will tell anyone who'll listen that he's on an acronym crusade, and wants the WTO and the WHO beefed up ASAP, but all he really wants is an elbow bump with the Leader of the Free World. He might get that opportunity with Uncle Joe, but there's fat chance of having an actual meeting with Mr President, formal or informal. ScoMo will be snubbed and brushed by that Pinko Biden as an out-and-out Trumpist. After all, DJ Trump! did host Mr Morrison to a rare State Dinner at the White House (what was he thinking?), and in the dying days of the Trump Presidency, Loyal Scott was awarded the Legion of Merit - a low ranking military administrative award - good Lord, the now retired to obscurity and ill health Mr Shinzo of Japan and that ghastly Hindu ultra-nationalist Mr Modi of India were also gonged with the LoM at the same time, courtesy of the Great Orange Being. So he's in top company there, and the current POTUS has the memory of an elephant. He'll know. Be that as it may, I'm sure Scotty will have no hesitation whatsoever in signing up for the "New Cold War" now being promulgated by the Pentagon. Nothing like a bit of "red baiting" and invoking the clear and present danger of the "yellow peril" to shore up the Tory vote. Our Man in Cornwall will be much more comfortable in the company of that madcap clown Big Bad Bonking Bozo Boris than anyone else, as What Would Justin Do? and The Kid President of France would give ScoMo's French a test. The others are outliers who are best not to fall in with. You always run the risk of being spoken to in Plain German Sentences and having to hide in the velvet curtains.

Of course the PM will mouth a few platitudes about the wobbly environment fresh off the press release cheat sheet. He's tipped to make some grandiose announcement that Straya will be eminently sensible and strive for net zero carbon emissions by 2050 like the rest of the developed world, just never mind that he has two chances - none and Buckley's - given his policy of a "gas-led recovery" and spurious technologies such as 'clean coal', 'carbon capture' and other such ecological nonsense. Nothing to do with the over-reliance on fossil fuels in the Wide Brown Land just for a start off, oh, no siree, don't you worry about that. Did someone in the Country Party echo chamber say "Farm Diesel Rebate Scheme"? Carbon tax be buggered will be his message to the rapidly heating globe.

Apart from sipping cocktails from martini glasses with tiny umbrellas in them while wearing a lei around his neck, I keep having this vision of ScoMo during the 'leaders retreat', with a Cornish pasty in one hand and a stubbie of the fine mid-strength Cornish ale Doom Bar in the other, wandering down to the beach as he casually stuffs his cake-hole, then strips down to his smugglers and Cronulla-Sutherland Sharks footy cap to take a quick dip - unaware of the unusual rip tides and devilish currents of the Cornish coast - whereupon he is promptly sucked beneath the waves à la another scion of the Liberal Party, Harold Holt, never to be seen again (or picked up and whisked away by a Chinese submarine). 

While the last thing one is left with is hope, re-naming the joint Cheviot Beach would be going too far.