world champion vote-buyers

Comrades,

I doubt there's a democracy in the world [apart from India, perhaps] where an exercise in the Miracle of Democracy takes three weeks - that's the election, not the campaign - but then you have our good friends in Papua New Guinea.
Since independence from an 'international protectorate' run by Australia in 1975, these folk have form, and plenty of it, when it comes to the vote.
In a country of nine million people [so there would have to be more than four million voters you'd think] the logistical nightmare in getting ballot boxes out to remote provinces and islands, where they'd be lucky to see anyone from the Govt. for months at a time, is a great mind-boggler.
How do they do it?
Given the stupendous terrain, for some folk it would be a walk of a day or two just to get to the nearest polling station, which surely must bring the "why bother?" factor in to play, even for people used to going everywhere by foot.
Then, getting the completed ballot papers back to wherever they are counted in a fair state of condition opens up another Pandora's Box altogether.
They have mastered the dark arts of a Westminster system that's ripe for any amount of hank-panky and jiggery-pokery.
They couldn't even agree when to start the vote, which was meant to happen on Sunday, but it was put off for a day, after complaints of ballot papers going all over the shop so some candidates were at risk of filling out their own, and then they called off voting in The Highlands on the Monday after some candidates were accused of being in collusion with electoral officials.
Never mind that many electoral officials are seen to be corrupt to the bootstraps, or the widespread gerrymandering of electorates, or the disenfranchisement of genuine voters for no apparent reason, and the puffing up of electoral rolls with "ghost" voters...it's all par for the course.
Nothing unusual.
Situation normal.
The Govt. has sent 1,000 heavily-armed troops with plenty of ammo to The Highlands just to make sure everything runs smoothly, when the polls eventually open.
It's well know that PNG politicians are perhaps the world champions of vote buying, with candidates vying with each other to see how many swine they need to deliver to a village to secure a clean sweep of the local vote.
Some don't even bother with that traditional method, and just straight-out buy votes - for good old fashioned cash money.
Tell me what's wrong with that?
Wish it happened here.
I'd be happy to sell my soul to the Devil if someone asked nicely.
So, it's comforting to know that the Melanesian Spearhead Group [MSG] has bought in former Solomon Islands Prime Minister, Sir Francis Billy Hilly, to head the team of international observers to make sure there is no vote-rigging whatsoever and that everything is all above board.
The election campaign has been variously described as "long", "lively", "rancourous", "turbulent", "bitter"...there are hundreds of candidates in the fray for the 111 seat Parliament, with most, it would seem, intent on ousting the immensely unpopular Prime Minister Peter O'Neil from power - he's seeking a second term in office - on the general platform of "vote the bastard out!".
O'Neil, you'll remember, carries an enormous amount of baggage as leader of the People's National Congress Party.
A few years back now, he was accused of siphoning off around $US30 from the public purse into his own back pocket and then slipping a few dodgy Australian dollars across to some of his best friends.
So what did he do?
In a "way ahead of his time" moment, O'Neil did a DJ Trump! and sacked the investigator - the police commissioner in charge of such investigations - along with a host of disloyal deputy police commissioners, and oddly enough, nothing has been seen or heard of it since; nothing at all.
Funny, like that.
But the whispering continues in the background as his opponents claim, by rights, that the dude should be in jail, but they can't pin the rap on him.
O'Neil also pulled off a bloodless coup back in 2011, putting troops on the streets of the capital, when the No.1 Big Man of PNG politics, Sir Michael Somare, who'd been going 'round for decades, started to call him all sorts of names and tried to usurp him as Prime Minister.
Now, that's form.
Ol' Pete certainly knows how to use strong-arm tactics, and he plays his politics dirty.
Blind Freddy can see that.
But there's still no shortage of mud-slingers out there prepared to call a spade a spade, crikey, even the 71-year-old Sir Mekere Morauta has been coaxed out of a quiet retirement to have another go in the seat of Port Morseby North West, because there is no-one else in PNG who hates O'Neil's guts more.
The Official Leader of The Opposition, Don Polye, of the Triumph Heritage Empowerment Party [an old mate of O'Neil's until there was just one too many almighty shitfights, followed by a terminal falling out] has a chance...but only if he can cobble together a rag-tag coalition of Moratu's mob, Sam Basil's Pangu Pati Party, those in favour of the People's Progress Party leader Ben Micah, and the whirlpool of myriad independent MP's with strong local followings deeply rooted in tribal factionalism and clan loyalty.
That's a lot easier said than done, in a country where political patronage is a way of life, a national sport.
It'll be a close run thing whatever happens, but things aren't expected to change that much.
Whatever the meaning of a 'free and fair election' is on the other side of the Torres Strait, it should always be taken with a grain of salt.
Still, you have to love the way Polye does his retail politics; sometimes you just can't get on the campaign trail without a helicopter:

Photo: Wanpis Ako